I'm too tired to post properly.
But today was crap. I cut (for the first time in a couple of months), probably failed my exam (university finals) and was up all night last night having flashbacks and running through everything that happened in my head.
The three things are probably connected.
I think I need to go back to counselling.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Drinking to forget
Well the last two days have been interesting. Interesting in a horrifyingly bad way.
Tuesday I had a text from A, with one word - "Sex?".
Two years ago I was living next door to A in our student block of flats. We were good friends, I was dating his housemate and massively in love with him. His housemate went home for the week to visit his parents, and me A and all our friends went out for the night.
It was a sluts and vicars party, and I was wearing a baby doll with a strappy shirt under it and a short skirt over it. I feel what I was wearing was important, as how modestly you're dressed always seems to affect people's opinions of you afterwards. I wasn't modestly dressed. I wasn't incredibly sluttly dressed either, as all the parts of you that should be covered, where covered. But it's not an outfit I'd wear to the shops - or ever wear again.
So we were both at this party and I'd had rather a lot to drink. I was a second year student at Uni - we'd ALL had a lot to drink. A included.
The party ended and we all walked home together, as A and I lived next door to eachother in our shared flats we obviously walked home together with the rest of his housemates. I got to my door, said good night to them all and walked in. I didn't notice A walk in behind me.
It was only when I was unlocking my bedroom door (which was less than a foot from the front door) that I realised he was still standing next to me.
I remember at the time I thought it was a tiny bit odd, as he'd never come back to my flat before - I always hung out at his flat. But perhaps he just wanted to chat a little bit longer. (I realise in my head I'm still questioning every decision I made that night - clothes, drinking, allowing him in - perhaps I gave implicit consent?)
So I let him into my bedroom and we sat chatting for a bit. I was knackered and just wanted to go to sleep though, but he wasn't taking any hints for leaving. I remember it was a Thursday night as I had early morning labs the next day (Friday is lab day) so I genuinely just wanted him to leave and I could go to sleep.
This was my biggest mistake of the night I think.
I was so tired and wanted to go to bed so badly, that after he didn't take the yawning hints I told him he could stay, but absolutely nothing was happening.
We'd shared a bed before and it had been purely platonic, so I wasn't worried. Hell I've crashed in most people's beds and a lot of people had crashed in mine. It was honestly a normal thing that was happening.
So he stayed and I got into bed (still in my dress).
Just to point out though, AGAIN, I was still massively in love with housemate (and still am) so I never knowingly led him on.
Well he started kissing me in the bed, and again I said I don't want anything to happen here. I don't want to have sex with you, I really like (housemate's name). I definitely said no more than once.
This bit is burnt into my memory.
He said, "don't worry we won't have sex."
Then he climbed on top of me, actually pinning me down with his body weight, pushed my knickers to the side and put it in me anyway.
I froze. *Mistake number 2*
I'd told him repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with him, he was my friend, but yet he was doing it anyway. His housemate was going to freak out when he found out. Hell I was freaking out. And it hurt SO badly. Like, it was the worst pain I've ever been through. I wasn't wet at all *tmi, sorry* and it just felt like I was tearing.
I finally pushed him off me, I think he'd been going at it for about 5 minutes whilst I was freaking out in my head, and I said - "What the fuck, A I TOLD you I didn't want to have sex with you." He replied: "Well it's too late now, we already have". Our conversation is burnt in my memory, even now 2 yrs later.
I told him to get the fuck out of my flat, and thank god he did. I heard his flat door slam from mine.
And I just started crying, I jumped straight into the shower (I think it was 3 or 4 am) and had the longest hottest shower I could stand. I just wanted to wash him entirely off me.
And then I fell asleep, missed my labs the next morning, and spent the next week bleeding. Not period blood, just ripped skin blood.
And here is where I made mistake number 3. For a very very long time I blamed myself for what happened. I was dressed inappropriately, I had too much to drink, I told him he could stay the night, I didn't physically fight him off I just froze. So I covered for him. Yup, that's right, I went along with what he was saying and never told anybody.
Well, I told Leigh that I'd kicked him out of my room because I knew it was a mistake. (Half the story I suppose) but he told everybody that we'd slept together and he'd left because I was crap.
What was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, that lovely guy you all know, the guy I love - his best friend, yeah he raped me.
It seemed like such a massive word, and it was just going to be my story against his. And we all know how rape stories go - the victim gets blamed. And of course now it's too late because I've stuck to his story for the past two years. I've pretended to be friends with him and that I don't remember what happened. A and I have never spoken about it, and I genuinely don't know if he remembers what happened that night, or if he was too drunk?
But not so drunk he couldn't have sex, right?
I realise I'm making excuses for him, but it's easier than facing up to the truth. And the truth is that that night I became a victim, and ofcourse his housemate found out we slept together and it ruined everything between us too. So I lost him as well.
Isn't life amazing?
Well, anyway, on Tuesday he text me "Sex?" I text back telling him to fuck off. But damage was done. Apparently it was his friends messing around on his phone, just texting randomers - as A now has a girlfriend.
But I had flashbacks that night. Awful flashbacks and got next to no sleep. Woke up screaming.
So spent Wednesday getting obliteratedly drunk, so that I wouldn't have nightmares again.
I mentioned to my mother that I'd had nightmares to do with - that guy I told you about. (She's the only person I've told) and she just changed the subject. Thanks mum, woulda been nice to be reassured a little y'know. I don't think my mum actually believes me tbh.
But it happened. I wasn't so drunk that I can't remember what happened! But it appears I didn't have enough of a backbone to stand up for myself afterwards.
Last night I almost told my housemate this year what happened, whilst I was drunk. I feel as though the story is bubbling to the surface and it's only a matter of time before I tell someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who believes me, and that it's not all in my head.
So yeah, I'm rather hungover today.
Wish I knew how to block the bastard from texting me.
Tuesday I had a text from A, with one word - "Sex?".
Two years ago I was living next door to A in our student block of flats. We were good friends, I was dating his housemate and massively in love with him. His housemate went home for the week to visit his parents, and me A and all our friends went out for the night.
It was a sluts and vicars party, and I was wearing a baby doll with a strappy shirt under it and a short skirt over it. I feel what I was wearing was important, as how modestly you're dressed always seems to affect people's opinions of you afterwards. I wasn't modestly dressed. I wasn't incredibly sluttly dressed either, as all the parts of you that should be covered, where covered. But it's not an outfit I'd wear to the shops - or ever wear again.
So we were both at this party and I'd had rather a lot to drink. I was a second year student at Uni - we'd ALL had a lot to drink. A included.
The party ended and we all walked home together, as A and I lived next door to eachother in our shared flats we obviously walked home together with the rest of his housemates. I got to my door, said good night to them all and walked in. I didn't notice A walk in behind me.
It was only when I was unlocking my bedroom door (which was less than a foot from the front door) that I realised he was still standing next to me.
I remember at the time I thought it was a tiny bit odd, as he'd never come back to my flat before - I always hung out at his flat. But perhaps he just wanted to chat a little bit longer. (I realise in my head I'm still questioning every decision I made that night - clothes, drinking, allowing him in - perhaps I gave implicit consent?)
So I let him into my bedroom and we sat chatting for a bit. I was knackered and just wanted to go to sleep though, but he wasn't taking any hints for leaving. I remember it was a Thursday night as I had early morning labs the next day (Friday is lab day) so I genuinely just wanted him to leave and I could go to sleep.
This was my biggest mistake of the night I think.
I was so tired and wanted to go to bed so badly, that after he didn't take the yawning hints I told him he could stay, but absolutely nothing was happening.
We'd shared a bed before and it had been purely platonic, so I wasn't worried. Hell I've crashed in most people's beds and a lot of people had crashed in mine. It was honestly a normal thing that was happening.
So he stayed and I got into bed (still in my dress).
Just to point out though, AGAIN, I was still massively in love with housemate (and still am) so I never knowingly led him on.
Well he started kissing me in the bed, and again I said I don't want anything to happen here. I don't want to have sex with you, I really like (housemate's name). I definitely said no more than once.
This bit is burnt into my memory.
He said, "don't worry we won't have sex."
Then he climbed on top of me, actually pinning me down with his body weight, pushed my knickers to the side and put it in me anyway.
I froze. *Mistake number 2*
I'd told him repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with him, he was my friend, but yet he was doing it anyway. His housemate was going to freak out when he found out. Hell I was freaking out. And it hurt SO badly. Like, it was the worst pain I've ever been through. I wasn't wet at all *tmi, sorry* and it just felt like I was tearing.
I finally pushed him off me, I think he'd been going at it for about 5 minutes whilst I was freaking out in my head, and I said - "What the fuck, A I TOLD you I didn't want to have sex with you." He replied: "Well it's too late now, we already have". Our conversation is burnt in my memory, even now 2 yrs later.
I told him to get the fuck out of my flat, and thank god he did. I heard his flat door slam from mine.
And I just started crying, I jumped straight into the shower (I think it was 3 or 4 am) and had the longest hottest shower I could stand. I just wanted to wash him entirely off me.
And then I fell asleep, missed my labs the next morning, and spent the next week bleeding. Not period blood, just ripped skin blood.
And here is where I made mistake number 3. For a very very long time I blamed myself for what happened. I was dressed inappropriately, I had too much to drink, I told him he could stay the night, I didn't physically fight him off I just froze. So I covered for him. Yup, that's right, I went along with what he was saying and never told anybody.
Well, I told Leigh that I'd kicked him out of my room because I knew it was a mistake. (Half the story I suppose) but he told everybody that we'd slept together and he'd left because I was crap.
What was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, that lovely guy you all know, the guy I love - his best friend, yeah he raped me.
It seemed like such a massive word, and it was just going to be my story against his. And we all know how rape stories go - the victim gets blamed. And of course now it's too late because I've stuck to his story for the past two years. I've pretended to be friends with him and that I don't remember what happened. A and I have never spoken about it, and I genuinely don't know if he remembers what happened that night, or if he was too drunk?
But not so drunk he couldn't have sex, right?
I realise I'm making excuses for him, but it's easier than facing up to the truth. And the truth is that that night I became a victim, and ofcourse his housemate found out we slept together and it ruined everything between us too. So I lost him as well.
Isn't life amazing?
Well, anyway, on Tuesday he text me "Sex?" I text back telling him to fuck off. But damage was done. Apparently it was his friends messing around on his phone, just texting randomers - as A now has a girlfriend.
But I had flashbacks that night. Awful flashbacks and got next to no sleep. Woke up screaming.
So spent Wednesday getting obliteratedly drunk, so that I wouldn't have nightmares again.
I mentioned to my mother that I'd had nightmares to do with - that guy I told you about. (She's the only person I've told) and she just changed the subject. Thanks mum, woulda been nice to be reassured a little y'know. I don't think my mum actually believes me tbh.
But it happened. I wasn't so drunk that I can't remember what happened! But it appears I didn't have enough of a backbone to stand up for myself afterwards.
Last night I almost told my housemate this year what happened, whilst I was drunk. I feel as though the story is bubbling to the surface and it's only a matter of time before I tell someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who believes me, and that it's not all in my head.
So yeah, I'm rather hungover today.
Wish I knew how to block the bastard from texting me.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Had a little break from blogging there for a week. Exam revision and stress has been taking up the vast majority of my time.
I now have three weeks to learn four years worth of Chemistry in the hope that it's enough to pass my exams. OH GOD.
On the weight front, though, I'm now down to 129lbs using those T5 super slimmer pills. Which I was super excited about, as I've lost 4 lbs in a week. But then I went for a run...
Bad idea. I got half way back and had to sit down. Every thing was spinning and coming in and out of focus. I felt somewhere between fainting and throwing up. To make it just a little more dangerous, this came on as I was running the massively steep stairs on the way back to my house - so I was a little worried I was going to tumble over backwards.
That has never happened to me before!
I'd only run around 7K and I've run a half marathon last year. Only thing I can put it down to is the slimming pills increasing my blood pressure, the coffee I'd had that day increasing it more, and then the running increasing it as well?
Anyway, it was horrendous! Gave me a massively bad headache the next day too.
I'm sure I overreacted a little bit, but the next morning a small part of me was thinking - SHIT, what if I've done some serious damage here?
But I took a day off the pills and I feel okay now. Going to take it slow.
I now have three weeks to learn four years worth of Chemistry in the hope that it's enough to pass my exams. OH GOD.
On the weight front, though, I'm now down to 129lbs using those T5 super slimmer pills. Which I was super excited about, as I've lost 4 lbs in a week. But then I went for a run...
Bad idea. I got half way back and had to sit down. Every thing was spinning and coming in and out of focus. I felt somewhere between fainting and throwing up. To make it just a little more dangerous, this came on as I was running the massively steep stairs on the way back to my house - so I was a little worried I was going to tumble over backwards.
That has never happened to me before!
I'd only run around 7K and I've run a half marathon last year. Only thing I can put it down to is the slimming pills increasing my blood pressure, the coffee I'd had that day increasing it more, and then the running increasing it as well?
Anyway, it was horrendous! Gave me a massively bad headache the next day too.
I'm sure I overreacted a little bit, but the next morning a small part of me was thinking - SHIT, what if I've done some serious damage here?
But I took a day off the pills and I feel okay now. Going to take it slow.
Friday, 26 April 2013
Slimming tablets - A girls best friend.
I have just bought the most amazing slimming tablets (T5 Super Strength) ever. I took one this morning and I haven't been hungry since. I've had lots of energy, no migraines, not shaky, basically nothing that I thought could be a possible side effect has happened.
I took the tablets at 9 am, have had a full day at university without feeling the slightest bit hungry Got back at 4 pm and had half a bowl of soup (90 cal) purely because I wanted to sit down, relax and have something small. I wasn't actually all that hungry and could probably have skipped it to be honest. And now I'm fine. No hunger pain, no nothing.
They're a god send.
Like actually amazing. Definitely the best £17 I've spent. I bought them with some vitamins (I'm a sensible cookie) to make sure I'm still healthy (ish). But yup, I'm definitely going to keep taking them. They say that you can take up to three a day, and I've only taken one. So I can increase the dose if the effects slip.
Will be interesting to see how much I weigh in a week.
I took the tablets at 9 am, have had a full day at university without feeling the slightest bit hungry Got back at 4 pm and had half a bowl of soup (90 cal) purely because I wanted to sit down, relax and have something small. I wasn't actually all that hungry and could probably have skipped it to be honest. And now I'm fine. No hunger pain, no nothing.
They're a god send.
Like actually amazing. Definitely the best £17 I've spent. I bought them with some vitamins (I'm a sensible cookie) to make sure I'm still healthy (ish). But yup, I'm definitely going to keep taking them. They say that you can take up to three a day, and I've only taken one. So I can increase the dose if the effects slip.
Will be interesting to see how much I weigh in a week.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Slimming Tablets
Today has been awful.
Horrendously awful.
I feel the size of a house.
Bloated, fat and stuffed.
I must have easily eaten over 1500 calories. I just stopped counting after a while.
God, what's wrong with me!
I'm now perusing slimming pills online. Any opinions on what to buy? What's worked for you, etc.?
Horrendously awful.
I feel the size of a house.
Bloated, fat and stuffed.
I must have easily eaten over 1500 calories. I just stopped counting after a while.
God, what's wrong with me!
I'm now perusing slimming pills online. Any opinions on what to buy? What's worked for you, etc.?
First run of the season
Yesterday I weighed myself and I was 9st. 6lbs. This mornign I'm 9 st. 5.2 lbs. Small differences eh, but I suppose they all count.
Yesterday I went for my first run in absolutely forever, as well. I've signed up to do a 10K in two weeks time so I really need to pull my finger out and get back into it. I ran a half marathon last year, so I've got muscle memory I just need to get back up to that point - quickly.
My housemates took the piss out of me last night because of all the deserts I eat. I was like, Jesus Christ! I've just been for a run, had a dinner for less than 200 cal (it was lettuce, sweetcorn and a curry I made just out of veg) and this 'DESERT' is a 10 cal jelly pot.
10 Cals!
Thanks for making me paranoid about my jelly now.
Honestly though, that jelly is a life saver. It's 10 cal and it's from Hertleys (or something like that) you can buy it in most large supermarkets and it genuinely fills me up. It also is sweet enough that if you're craving chocolate it hits the spot.
Got Uni this morning, and teaching this afternoon. Hoping for sub 800 cal day today.
Wish me luck.
Yesterday I went for my first run in absolutely forever, as well. I've signed up to do a 10K in two weeks time so I really need to pull my finger out and get back into it. I ran a half marathon last year, so I've got muscle memory I just need to get back up to that point - quickly.
My housemates took the piss out of me last night because of all the deserts I eat. I was like, Jesus Christ! I've just been for a run, had a dinner for less than 200 cal (it was lettuce, sweetcorn and a curry I made just out of veg) and this 'DESERT' is a 10 cal jelly pot.
10 Cals!
Thanks for making me paranoid about my jelly now.
Honestly though, that jelly is a life saver. It's 10 cal and it's from Hertleys (or something like that) you can buy it in most large supermarkets and it genuinely fills me up. It also is sweet enough that if you're craving chocolate it hits the spot.
Got Uni this morning, and teaching this afternoon. Hoping for sub 800 cal day today.
Wish me luck.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
For fucks sake
1078 food. 715 net.
Could be better.
I started so well. Had just a coffee for breakfast. Then I ate. Fuck.
Why do I have no self control?
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I could have done way less than that cal wise, if I'd not had those bloody cheese twist crackers. Four of them are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES. Let me just let that sink in.
FOUR?!?
Fucking Hell.
Tomorrow I've GOT to do better.
Sub 800 in food alone. That's the goal.
Could be better.
I started so well. Had just a coffee for breakfast. Then I ate. Fuck.
Why do I have no self control?
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I could have done way less than that cal wise, if I'd not had those bloody cheese twist crackers. Four of them are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES. Let me just let that sink in.
FOUR?!?
Fucking Hell.
Tomorrow I've GOT to do better.
Sub 800 in food alone. That's the goal.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)