I'm too tired to post properly.
But today was crap. I cut (for the first time in a couple of months), probably failed my exam (university finals) and was up all night last night having flashbacks and running through everything that happened in my head.
The three things are probably connected.
I think I need to go back to counselling.
Tuesday, 28 May 2013
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Drinking to forget
Well the last two days have been interesting. Interesting in a horrifyingly bad way.
Tuesday I had a text from A, with one word - "Sex?".
Two years ago I was living next door to A in our student block of flats. We were good friends, I was dating his housemate and massively in love with him. His housemate went home for the week to visit his parents, and me A and all our friends went out for the night.
It was a sluts and vicars party, and I was wearing a baby doll with a strappy shirt under it and a short skirt over it. I feel what I was wearing was important, as how modestly you're dressed always seems to affect people's opinions of you afterwards. I wasn't modestly dressed. I wasn't incredibly sluttly dressed either, as all the parts of you that should be covered, where covered. But it's not an outfit I'd wear to the shops - or ever wear again.
So we were both at this party and I'd had rather a lot to drink. I was a second year student at Uni - we'd ALL had a lot to drink. A included.
The party ended and we all walked home together, as A and I lived next door to eachother in our shared flats we obviously walked home together with the rest of his housemates. I got to my door, said good night to them all and walked in. I didn't notice A walk in behind me.
It was only when I was unlocking my bedroom door (which was less than a foot from the front door) that I realised he was still standing next to me.
I remember at the time I thought it was a tiny bit odd, as he'd never come back to my flat before - I always hung out at his flat. But perhaps he just wanted to chat a little bit longer. (I realise in my head I'm still questioning every decision I made that night - clothes, drinking, allowing him in - perhaps I gave implicit consent?)
So I let him into my bedroom and we sat chatting for a bit. I was knackered and just wanted to go to sleep though, but he wasn't taking any hints for leaving. I remember it was a Thursday night as I had early morning labs the next day (Friday is lab day) so I genuinely just wanted him to leave and I could go to sleep.
This was my biggest mistake of the night I think.
I was so tired and wanted to go to bed so badly, that after he didn't take the yawning hints I told him he could stay, but absolutely nothing was happening.
We'd shared a bed before and it had been purely platonic, so I wasn't worried. Hell I've crashed in most people's beds and a lot of people had crashed in mine. It was honestly a normal thing that was happening.
So he stayed and I got into bed (still in my dress).
Just to point out though, AGAIN, I was still massively in love with housemate (and still am) so I never knowingly led him on.
Well he started kissing me in the bed, and again I said I don't want anything to happen here. I don't want to have sex with you, I really like (housemate's name). I definitely said no more than once.
This bit is burnt into my memory.
He said, "don't worry we won't have sex."
Then he climbed on top of me, actually pinning me down with his body weight, pushed my knickers to the side and put it in me anyway.
I froze. *Mistake number 2*
I'd told him repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with him, he was my friend, but yet he was doing it anyway. His housemate was going to freak out when he found out. Hell I was freaking out. And it hurt SO badly. Like, it was the worst pain I've ever been through. I wasn't wet at all *tmi, sorry* and it just felt like I was tearing.
I finally pushed him off me, I think he'd been going at it for about 5 minutes whilst I was freaking out in my head, and I said - "What the fuck, A I TOLD you I didn't want to have sex with you." He replied: "Well it's too late now, we already have". Our conversation is burnt in my memory, even now 2 yrs later.
I told him to get the fuck out of my flat, and thank god he did. I heard his flat door slam from mine.
And I just started crying, I jumped straight into the shower (I think it was 3 or 4 am) and had the longest hottest shower I could stand. I just wanted to wash him entirely off me.
And then I fell asleep, missed my labs the next morning, and spent the next week bleeding. Not period blood, just ripped skin blood.
And here is where I made mistake number 3. For a very very long time I blamed myself for what happened. I was dressed inappropriately, I had too much to drink, I told him he could stay the night, I didn't physically fight him off I just froze. So I covered for him. Yup, that's right, I went along with what he was saying and never told anybody.
Well, I told Leigh that I'd kicked him out of my room because I knew it was a mistake. (Half the story I suppose) but he told everybody that we'd slept together and he'd left because I was crap.
What was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, that lovely guy you all know, the guy I love - his best friend, yeah he raped me.
It seemed like such a massive word, and it was just going to be my story against his. And we all know how rape stories go - the victim gets blamed. And of course now it's too late because I've stuck to his story for the past two years. I've pretended to be friends with him and that I don't remember what happened. A and I have never spoken about it, and I genuinely don't know if he remembers what happened that night, or if he was too drunk?
But not so drunk he couldn't have sex, right?
I realise I'm making excuses for him, but it's easier than facing up to the truth. And the truth is that that night I became a victim, and ofcourse his housemate found out we slept together and it ruined everything between us too. So I lost him as well.
Isn't life amazing?
Well, anyway, on Tuesday he text me "Sex?" I text back telling him to fuck off. But damage was done. Apparently it was his friends messing around on his phone, just texting randomers - as A now has a girlfriend.
But I had flashbacks that night. Awful flashbacks and got next to no sleep. Woke up screaming.
So spent Wednesday getting obliteratedly drunk, so that I wouldn't have nightmares again.
I mentioned to my mother that I'd had nightmares to do with - that guy I told you about. (She's the only person I've told) and she just changed the subject. Thanks mum, woulda been nice to be reassured a little y'know. I don't think my mum actually believes me tbh.
But it happened. I wasn't so drunk that I can't remember what happened! But it appears I didn't have enough of a backbone to stand up for myself afterwards.
Last night I almost told my housemate this year what happened, whilst I was drunk. I feel as though the story is bubbling to the surface and it's only a matter of time before I tell someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who believes me, and that it's not all in my head.
So yeah, I'm rather hungover today.
Wish I knew how to block the bastard from texting me.
Tuesday I had a text from A, with one word - "Sex?".
Two years ago I was living next door to A in our student block of flats. We were good friends, I was dating his housemate and massively in love with him. His housemate went home for the week to visit his parents, and me A and all our friends went out for the night.
It was a sluts and vicars party, and I was wearing a baby doll with a strappy shirt under it and a short skirt over it. I feel what I was wearing was important, as how modestly you're dressed always seems to affect people's opinions of you afterwards. I wasn't modestly dressed. I wasn't incredibly sluttly dressed either, as all the parts of you that should be covered, where covered. But it's not an outfit I'd wear to the shops - or ever wear again.
So we were both at this party and I'd had rather a lot to drink. I was a second year student at Uni - we'd ALL had a lot to drink. A included.
The party ended and we all walked home together, as A and I lived next door to eachother in our shared flats we obviously walked home together with the rest of his housemates. I got to my door, said good night to them all and walked in. I didn't notice A walk in behind me.
It was only when I was unlocking my bedroom door (which was less than a foot from the front door) that I realised he was still standing next to me.
I remember at the time I thought it was a tiny bit odd, as he'd never come back to my flat before - I always hung out at his flat. But perhaps he just wanted to chat a little bit longer. (I realise in my head I'm still questioning every decision I made that night - clothes, drinking, allowing him in - perhaps I gave implicit consent?)
So I let him into my bedroom and we sat chatting for a bit. I was knackered and just wanted to go to sleep though, but he wasn't taking any hints for leaving. I remember it was a Thursday night as I had early morning labs the next day (Friday is lab day) so I genuinely just wanted him to leave and I could go to sleep.
This was my biggest mistake of the night I think.
I was so tired and wanted to go to bed so badly, that after he didn't take the yawning hints I told him he could stay, but absolutely nothing was happening.
We'd shared a bed before and it had been purely platonic, so I wasn't worried. Hell I've crashed in most people's beds and a lot of people had crashed in mine. It was honestly a normal thing that was happening.
So he stayed and I got into bed (still in my dress).
Just to point out though, AGAIN, I was still massively in love with housemate (and still am) so I never knowingly led him on.
Well he started kissing me in the bed, and again I said I don't want anything to happen here. I don't want to have sex with you, I really like (housemate's name). I definitely said no more than once.
This bit is burnt into my memory.
He said, "don't worry we won't have sex."
Then he climbed on top of me, actually pinning me down with his body weight, pushed my knickers to the side and put it in me anyway.
I froze. *Mistake number 2*
I'd told him repeatedly that I didn't want to have sex with him, he was my friend, but yet he was doing it anyway. His housemate was going to freak out when he found out. Hell I was freaking out. And it hurt SO badly. Like, it was the worst pain I've ever been through. I wasn't wet at all *tmi, sorry* and it just felt like I was tearing.
I finally pushed him off me, I think he'd been going at it for about 5 minutes whilst I was freaking out in my head, and I said - "What the fuck, A I TOLD you I didn't want to have sex with you." He replied: "Well it's too late now, we already have". Our conversation is burnt in my memory, even now 2 yrs later.
I told him to get the fuck out of my flat, and thank god he did. I heard his flat door slam from mine.
And I just started crying, I jumped straight into the shower (I think it was 3 or 4 am) and had the longest hottest shower I could stand. I just wanted to wash him entirely off me.
And then I fell asleep, missed my labs the next morning, and spent the next week bleeding. Not period blood, just ripped skin blood.
And here is where I made mistake number 3. For a very very long time I blamed myself for what happened. I was dressed inappropriately, I had too much to drink, I told him he could stay the night, I didn't physically fight him off I just froze. So I covered for him. Yup, that's right, I went along with what he was saying and never told anybody.
Well, I told Leigh that I'd kicked him out of my room because I knew it was a mistake. (Half the story I suppose) but he told everybody that we'd slept together and he'd left because I was crap.
What was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, that lovely guy you all know, the guy I love - his best friend, yeah he raped me.
It seemed like such a massive word, and it was just going to be my story against his. And we all know how rape stories go - the victim gets blamed. And of course now it's too late because I've stuck to his story for the past two years. I've pretended to be friends with him and that I don't remember what happened. A and I have never spoken about it, and I genuinely don't know if he remembers what happened that night, or if he was too drunk?
But not so drunk he couldn't have sex, right?
I realise I'm making excuses for him, but it's easier than facing up to the truth. And the truth is that that night I became a victim, and ofcourse his housemate found out we slept together and it ruined everything between us too. So I lost him as well.
Isn't life amazing?
Well, anyway, on Tuesday he text me "Sex?" I text back telling him to fuck off. But damage was done. Apparently it was his friends messing around on his phone, just texting randomers - as A now has a girlfriend.
But I had flashbacks that night. Awful flashbacks and got next to no sleep. Woke up screaming.
So spent Wednesday getting obliteratedly drunk, so that I wouldn't have nightmares again.
I mentioned to my mother that I'd had nightmares to do with - that guy I told you about. (She's the only person I've told) and she just changed the subject. Thanks mum, woulda been nice to be reassured a little y'know. I don't think my mum actually believes me tbh.
But it happened. I wasn't so drunk that I can't remember what happened! But it appears I didn't have enough of a backbone to stand up for myself afterwards.
Last night I almost told my housemate this year what happened, whilst I was drunk. I feel as though the story is bubbling to the surface and it's only a matter of time before I tell someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who believes me, and that it's not all in my head.
So yeah, I'm rather hungover today.
Wish I knew how to block the bastard from texting me.
Saturday, 4 May 2013
Had a little break from blogging there for a week. Exam revision and stress has been taking up the vast majority of my time.
I now have three weeks to learn four years worth of Chemistry in the hope that it's enough to pass my exams. OH GOD.
On the weight front, though, I'm now down to 129lbs using those T5 super slimmer pills. Which I was super excited about, as I've lost 4 lbs in a week. But then I went for a run...
Bad idea. I got half way back and had to sit down. Every thing was spinning and coming in and out of focus. I felt somewhere between fainting and throwing up. To make it just a little more dangerous, this came on as I was running the massively steep stairs on the way back to my house - so I was a little worried I was going to tumble over backwards.
That has never happened to me before!
I'd only run around 7K and I've run a half marathon last year. Only thing I can put it down to is the slimming pills increasing my blood pressure, the coffee I'd had that day increasing it more, and then the running increasing it as well?
Anyway, it was horrendous! Gave me a massively bad headache the next day too.
I'm sure I overreacted a little bit, but the next morning a small part of me was thinking - SHIT, what if I've done some serious damage here?
But I took a day off the pills and I feel okay now. Going to take it slow.
I now have three weeks to learn four years worth of Chemistry in the hope that it's enough to pass my exams. OH GOD.
On the weight front, though, I'm now down to 129lbs using those T5 super slimmer pills. Which I was super excited about, as I've lost 4 lbs in a week. But then I went for a run...
Bad idea. I got half way back and had to sit down. Every thing was spinning and coming in and out of focus. I felt somewhere between fainting and throwing up. To make it just a little more dangerous, this came on as I was running the massively steep stairs on the way back to my house - so I was a little worried I was going to tumble over backwards.
That has never happened to me before!
I'd only run around 7K and I've run a half marathon last year. Only thing I can put it down to is the slimming pills increasing my blood pressure, the coffee I'd had that day increasing it more, and then the running increasing it as well?
Anyway, it was horrendous! Gave me a massively bad headache the next day too.
I'm sure I overreacted a little bit, but the next morning a small part of me was thinking - SHIT, what if I've done some serious damage here?
But I took a day off the pills and I feel okay now. Going to take it slow.
Friday, 26 April 2013
Slimming tablets - A girls best friend.
I have just bought the most amazing slimming tablets (T5 Super Strength) ever. I took one this morning and I haven't been hungry since. I've had lots of energy, no migraines, not shaky, basically nothing that I thought could be a possible side effect has happened.
I took the tablets at 9 am, have had a full day at university without feeling the slightest bit hungry Got back at 4 pm and had half a bowl of soup (90 cal) purely because I wanted to sit down, relax and have something small. I wasn't actually all that hungry and could probably have skipped it to be honest. And now I'm fine. No hunger pain, no nothing.
They're a god send.
Like actually amazing. Definitely the best £17 I've spent. I bought them with some vitamins (I'm a sensible cookie) to make sure I'm still healthy (ish). But yup, I'm definitely going to keep taking them. They say that you can take up to three a day, and I've only taken one. So I can increase the dose if the effects slip.
Will be interesting to see how much I weigh in a week.
I took the tablets at 9 am, have had a full day at university without feeling the slightest bit hungry Got back at 4 pm and had half a bowl of soup (90 cal) purely because I wanted to sit down, relax and have something small. I wasn't actually all that hungry and could probably have skipped it to be honest. And now I'm fine. No hunger pain, no nothing.
They're a god send.
Like actually amazing. Definitely the best £17 I've spent. I bought them with some vitamins (I'm a sensible cookie) to make sure I'm still healthy (ish). But yup, I'm definitely going to keep taking them. They say that you can take up to three a day, and I've only taken one. So I can increase the dose if the effects slip.
Will be interesting to see how much I weigh in a week.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Slimming Tablets
Today has been awful.
Horrendously awful.
I feel the size of a house.
Bloated, fat and stuffed.
I must have easily eaten over 1500 calories. I just stopped counting after a while.
God, what's wrong with me!
I'm now perusing slimming pills online. Any opinions on what to buy? What's worked for you, etc.?
Horrendously awful.
I feel the size of a house.
Bloated, fat and stuffed.
I must have easily eaten over 1500 calories. I just stopped counting after a while.
God, what's wrong with me!
I'm now perusing slimming pills online. Any opinions on what to buy? What's worked for you, etc.?
First run of the season
Yesterday I weighed myself and I was 9st. 6lbs. This mornign I'm 9 st. 5.2 lbs. Small differences eh, but I suppose they all count.
Yesterday I went for my first run in absolutely forever, as well. I've signed up to do a 10K in two weeks time so I really need to pull my finger out and get back into it. I ran a half marathon last year, so I've got muscle memory I just need to get back up to that point - quickly.
My housemates took the piss out of me last night because of all the deserts I eat. I was like, Jesus Christ! I've just been for a run, had a dinner for less than 200 cal (it was lettuce, sweetcorn and a curry I made just out of veg) and this 'DESERT' is a 10 cal jelly pot.
10 Cals!
Thanks for making me paranoid about my jelly now.
Honestly though, that jelly is a life saver. It's 10 cal and it's from Hertleys (or something like that) you can buy it in most large supermarkets and it genuinely fills me up. It also is sweet enough that if you're craving chocolate it hits the spot.
Got Uni this morning, and teaching this afternoon. Hoping for sub 800 cal day today.
Wish me luck.
Yesterday I went for my first run in absolutely forever, as well. I've signed up to do a 10K in two weeks time so I really need to pull my finger out and get back into it. I ran a half marathon last year, so I've got muscle memory I just need to get back up to that point - quickly.
My housemates took the piss out of me last night because of all the deserts I eat. I was like, Jesus Christ! I've just been for a run, had a dinner for less than 200 cal (it was lettuce, sweetcorn and a curry I made just out of veg) and this 'DESERT' is a 10 cal jelly pot.
10 Cals!
Thanks for making me paranoid about my jelly now.
Honestly though, that jelly is a life saver. It's 10 cal and it's from Hertleys (or something like that) you can buy it in most large supermarkets and it genuinely fills me up. It also is sweet enough that if you're craving chocolate it hits the spot.
Got Uni this morning, and teaching this afternoon. Hoping for sub 800 cal day today.
Wish me luck.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
For fucks sake
1078 food. 715 net.
Could be better.
I started so well. Had just a coffee for breakfast. Then I ate. Fuck.
Why do I have no self control?
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I could have done way less than that cal wise, if I'd not had those bloody cheese twist crackers. Four of them are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES. Let me just let that sink in.
FOUR?!?
Fucking Hell.
Tomorrow I've GOT to do better.
Sub 800 in food alone. That's the goal.
Could be better.
I started so well. Had just a coffee for breakfast. Then I ate. Fuck.
Why do I have no self control?
What the fuck is wrong with me.
I could have done way less than that cal wise, if I'd not had those bloody cheese twist crackers. Four of them are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES. Let me just let that sink in.
FOUR?!?
Fucking Hell.
Tomorrow I've GOT to do better.
Sub 800 in food alone. That's the goal.
9st 6lbs. I am FREAKING the fuck out. That's heavier than the number I had in my head.
I now want to curl up in a ball and not see anyone for the rest of the day.
But instead I've got to teach, and I'm going to see what my new target number is. 1000 cal is obviously too much. Way way too fucking much.
800? That's do able. I'm wary about decreasing it too far, because when I do that I binge and then I purge and I KNOW that's not healthy or sustainable.
So I need to find my point where I'm losing weight the fastest but don't have such large blood sugar dips that I binge - because that's what I do.
9 st 6lb.
How digusting!
I now want to curl up in a ball and not see anyone for the rest of the day.
But instead I've got to teach, and I'm going to see what my new target number is. 1000 cal is obviously too much. Way way too fucking much.
800? That's do able. I'm wary about decreasing it too far, because when I do that I binge and then I purge and I KNOW that's not healthy or sustainable.
So I need to find my point where I'm losing weight the fastest but don't have such large blood sugar dips that I binge - because that's what I do.
9 st 6lb.
How digusting!
Friday, 19 April 2013
Late night- Early morning
Just a quick post because it's late and I need to be up early to teach tomorrow.
But, net: 664. Gross: 1027. And it is gross. That's a massive amount for my first day back at uni. My big regret is having a caffe latte with my father this morning at the train station. That was 187 cal I could easily have skipped.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and please God let me have lost some weight. If not I'll have to kick the restricting up more. I started my period this afternoon though, so that might affect my numbers too - which is bloody annoying!
Although when I got back to uni today I tried on a coat I bought which was just a tad too tight for wearing as it pulled at the buttons - it now fits fine buttoned up. Which is a small victory I guess.
Just please, some sort of lb lost would be lovely.
But, net: 664. Gross: 1027. And it is gross. That's a massive amount for my first day back at uni. My big regret is having a caffe latte with my father this morning at the train station. That was 187 cal I could easily have skipped.
I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and please God let me have lost some weight. If not I'll have to kick the restricting up more. I started my period this afternoon though, so that might affect my numbers too - which is bloody annoying!
Although when I got back to uni today I tried on a coat I bought which was just a tad too tight for wearing as it pulled at the buttons - it now fits fine buttoned up. Which is a small victory I guess.
Just please, some sort of lb lost would be lovely.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
Last day at home
667 calories (net) today. But that was with spending an hour in the gym. Without that it would have been more like 1100 (eww).
I'm not sure if I should stop working out net, and just see exercise as a bonus not a saviour. It's so much easier now as tomorrow I go back to university and my parents won't be keeping an eye on my food. I'm not happy with how much I've eaten this week, but at the same time I've kept it under 1200 the entire time I've been here, and I've tried to exercise when I could - so it could have been worse.
Beginning to day dream about my plans for after graduation, today. Obviously I'm going to buy a gym membership for which ever city I get placed in. But I'm also wondering if I can do a French class at the same time as work, and possibly some sort of sports club/ running club. Just something to keep me motivated with my exercise and to ensure I'm being pushed.
Will also mean I'll feel less guilty if I end up eating more than I'd targeted.
Although tbf, being entirely off bread/ cake etc has really helped. I feel 'safe' with lots of fruit, veggies and a small amount of meat - which is basically what my diet has consisted of here.
I think when I'm back in uni I'm going to go shopping for plenty of fruit and veg so that I'm eating 3x a day, but eating really low cal, healthy meals.
I'm not sure if I should stop working out net, and just see exercise as a bonus not a saviour. It's so much easier now as tomorrow I go back to university and my parents won't be keeping an eye on my food. I'm not happy with how much I've eaten this week, but at the same time I've kept it under 1200 the entire time I've been here, and I've tried to exercise when I could - so it could have been worse.
Beginning to day dream about my plans for after graduation, today. Obviously I'm going to buy a gym membership for which ever city I get placed in. But I'm also wondering if I can do a French class at the same time as work, and possibly some sort of sports club/ running club. Just something to keep me motivated with my exercise and to ensure I'm being pushed.
Will also mean I'll feel less guilty if I end up eating more than I'd targeted.
Although tbf, being entirely off bread/ cake etc has really helped. I feel 'safe' with lots of fruit, veggies and a small amount of meat - which is basically what my diet has consisted of here.
I think when I'm back in uni I'm going to go shopping for plenty of fruit and veg so that I'm eating 3x a day, but eating really low cal, healthy meals.
Thinspiration
These are mainly taken from tumblr, so aren't mine. I have kind of a 'thing' for stomachs and legs.
Slipping?
I can feel today slipping away. It's just before lunch and I've ALREADY eaten 254 calories.
I've also done no revision yet, I just can't get motivated.
To be perfectly honest I'm just knackered. I'm sleeping on the sofa whilst I'm visiting my parents, which means I get woken up at 7 am every morning by my brother getting ready for school. I'm not used to coping on seven hours sleep anymore. I need way more, especially on my meds as they tire you out even more.
I'm also worrying a little bit. I got a text off one of my students' mum this morning (I work as a personal tutor as well as uni) and she got a D in her Maths Feb exam. Admittedly she had an E at Christmas, so she's improved, but her parents aren't happy. They are really pushing for her to get a C in June so she can go to college. But I can't think of any changes I can do to my lessons to make sure she does.
We've gone through most of the course now, and she grasps all the main concepts. The only thing I can do is to go through as many past papers in class as we can fit in, so she can see the questions in different settings and so it refreshes all the lessons we've done. But I'm not sure this is going to work. Firstly, she's already done most of the papers before - so it could end up being just a memory test and not a math test. And secondly, I'm afraid that I give too much help going through past papers so her marks become inflated.
Argh. I need to have a think about it more.
Also need to stop worrying about my own degree so much. Finals are in three weeks and I currently have five students I'm tutoring part time. I really really want a first in my degree, but I don't think I'm going to get it with the amount of time I've already committed to other things.
I just need to work harder, eat less, worry less. Easy, right?
At least I've got the gym tonight to take my mind off things. I've arranged to go with my mum and brother after they get home from work and school respectively. All I've got to do now is find my gym kit and stop obsessing over eating.
I have these shorts, and one day they will look like this on.
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
1050 calories today. No run. What a failure.
Tomorrow I've arranged to go to the gym with my mum after she's finished work. So at the very least I can burn off some of this gunk.
Tomorrow I've arranged to go to the gym with my mum after she's finished work. So at the very least I can burn off some of this gunk.
Other than that, not really much to report. My parents are beginning to irritate slightly. My dad is fine, but my mum is winding me up - which is strange as normally it's the other way around. Maybe it's because she's getting older, but a lot of what she says just makes no sense. Or it's like she wasn't listening to the conversation but felt she should contribute.
Odd.
I had a tiny muffin today. God my stomach is cramping up so badly. I'm sure I've got an intolerance to wheat or gluten or something. But bread, cake, muffins etc make my stomach ache so badly!
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Exam Stress
My finals are in just over three weeks. THREE WEEKS. Then the past four years worth of my degree is going to be examined. I am shitting myself. I've spent all of today (from 10 am to 8 pm) going over my Inorganic Chemistry notes. I'm so close to getting a first. If I really work super super duper hard, harder than I've ever worked before I might just get it. But if I don't, I won't.
So me, being something of a perfectionist, am determined that I can fit in revising for my exams, attending the last of my lectures, working part time and training for my 10K.
I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew. But there is genuinely nothing on that list that I can drop.
So all in all, today has been a bit of a shitter. I've eaten 1,200 K and done absolutely nothing except for revise. Haven't even left the house.
Breakfast: Banana, Kiwi, cinamon, 1 egg
Lunch: 1 chicken thigh, sweetcorn, lettuce, 1 tbspn rice
Dinner: 2 chicken thighs, 1 egg, 1 boiled potato, sweetcorn, carrots.
I cannot wait until I'm back at uni and no longer visiting my parents. It's so difficult when they insist that we all eat lunch/dinner together and eat the same thing. I also live on the middle of a massive fucking hill, which is somewhat off putting to go running on.
I must fit in a run at some point tomorrow. I need to burn off today's calories! That will be my goal for tomorrow - one run and under 800 cal.
So me, being something of a perfectionist, am determined that I can fit in revising for my exams, attending the last of my lectures, working part time and training for my 10K.
I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew. But there is genuinely nothing on that list that I can drop.
So all in all, today has been a bit of a shitter. I've eaten 1,200 K and done absolutely nothing except for revise. Haven't even left the house.
Breakfast: Banana, Kiwi, cinamon, 1 egg
Lunch: 1 chicken thigh, sweetcorn, lettuce, 1 tbspn rice
Dinner: 2 chicken thighs, 1 egg, 1 boiled potato, sweetcorn, carrots.
I cannot wait until I'm back at uni and no longer visiting my parents. It's so difficult when they insist that we all eat lunch/dinner together and eat the same thing. I also live on the middle of a massive fucking hill, which is somewhat off putting to go running on.
I must fit in a run at some point tomorrow. I need to burn off today's calories! That will be my goal for tomorrow - one run and under 800 cal.
Monday, 15 April 2013
Gym-ing it.
Well today was really good I feel. I calculate my net calories to be 577. If I can keep them this low whilst I'm visiting my parents I'll be super pleased.
I went to the gym today with my little brother for an hour and a half (yowch!) and ended up being a sweaty mess at the end of it. But it was worth it. So worth it. Then wandered around tesco with him for a little bit and did some uni revision. My finals are now in three weeks (eek) and I'm more than mildly panicking about them.
On the bright side though, I heard back from the graduate job I applied for, which I'm not going to name, on the off chance it would appear on google - that would be awkward! So all in all a good day.
B: Banana, Apple, Kiwi, cinnamon (229)
E: Hour and a half gym - mainly cardio (-727)
L: Lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes, 1 tbspn sweetcorn, salad cream, 1 chicken thigh (447)
D: half a boiled egg, 1 chicken thigh, 5 cherry tomatos, 1 tbspn rice
S: Jelly, Capri Sun juice drink, 1 boiled potato (small) (248).
Ah bummer. Looking back I should really have skipped the potato snack, the rice with dinner and the banana for breakfast.
I went to the gym today with my little brother for an hour and a half (yowch!) and ended up being a sweaty mess at the end of it. But it was worth it. So worth it. Then wandered around tesco with him for a little bit and did some uni revision. My finals are now in three weeks (eek) and I'm more than mildly panicking about them.
On the bright side though, I heard back from the graduate job I applied for, which I'm not going to name, on the off chance it would appear on google - that would be awkward! So all in all a good day.
B: Banana, Apple, Kiwi, cinnamon (229)
E: Hour and a half gym - mainly cardio (-727)
L: Lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes, 1 tbspn sweetcorn, salad cream, 1 chicken thigh (447)
D: half a boiled egg, 1 chicken thigh, 5 cherry tomatos, 1 tbspn rice
S: Jelly, Capri Sun juice drink, 1 boiled potato (small) (248).
Ah bummer. Looking back I should really have skipped the potato snack, the rice with dinner and the banana for breakfast.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
First Day
Well my dear friend Ana is back with a vengeance I went clothes shopping today and burst into tears and how fat I am. I know I'm a size eight, and logically I shouldn't feel fat. But all I can see when I look in the mirror is fat, lumpy thighs; a stomach that folds and makes me look obese; chubby arms that poke out of my shirts like unappealing chicken drumsticks; and a complete lack of cheek bone or collar bone.
So I'm back to restricting again. To be perfectly honest, I've been following a destructive cycle of restriction, binging, purging, self-hatred, a brief respite where I exercise massively, and then it's all repeated. I'd been keeping track of this on another blog, but it was linked too closely with my name. So this is my new blog for the sake of anonymity.
I shall try to post what I eat daily. I'm trying my best not to count calories as it makes me obsessive faster and then I go through the cycle quicker. I desperately need to lose all this weight though before my summer ball. I can think of nothing worse than being squeezed into my dress like a sausage.
Today I ate:
B: coffee + milk
L: costa caramel latte
E: 2hrs walking with my mum
D: sweetcorn, mixed veg, one yorkshire pudding, two slices of lamb.
I'm back home with my parents tomorrow, so I've arranged to go to the gym in the morning with my brother tomorrow, and then swimming in the afternoon. That should kick start something hopefully. Also, exercising with another person means I'll push myself far harder.
So I'm back to restricting again. To be perfectly honest, I've been following a destructive cycle of restriction, binging, purging, self-hatred, a brief respite where I exercise massively, and then it's all repeated. I'd been keeping track of this on another blog, but it was linked too closely with my name. So this is my new blog for the sake of anonymity.
I shall try to post what I eat daily. I'm trying my best not to count calories as it makes me obsessive faster and then I go through the cycle quicker. I desperately need to lose all this weight though before my summer ball. I can think of nothing worse than being squeezed into my dress like a sausage.
Today I ate:
B: coffee + milk
L: costa caramel latte
E: 2hrs walking with my mum
D: sweetcorn, mixed veg, one yorkshire pudding, two slices of lamb.
I'm back home with my parents tomorrow, so I've arranged to go to the gym in the morning with my brother tomorrow, and then swimming in the afternoon. That should kick start something hopefully. Also, exercising with another person means I'll push myself far harder.
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