Slimming tablets - A girls best friend.

I have just bought the most amazing slimming tablets (T5 Super Strength) ever.  I took one this morning and I haven't been hungry since.  I've had lots of energy, no migraines, not shaky, basically nothing that I thought could be a possible side effect has happened.

I took the tablets at 9 am, have had a full day at university without feeling the slightest bit hungry  Got back at 4 pm and had half a bowl of soup (90 cal) purely because I wanted to sit down, relax and have something small. I  wasn't actually all that hungry and could probably have skipped it to be honest.  And now I'm fine.  No hunger pain, no nothing.

They're a god send.

Like actually amazing.  Definitely the best £17 I've spent.  I bought them with some vitamins (I'm a sensible cookie) to make sure I'm still healthy (ish).  But yup, I'm definitely going to keep taking them.  They say that you can take up to three a day, and I've only taken one.  So I can increase the dose if the effects slip.

Will be interesting to see how much I weigh in a week.

Slimming Tablets

Today has been awful.

Horrendously awful.

I feel the size of a house.

Bloated, fat and stuffed.

I must have easily eaten over 1500 calories.  I just stopped counting after a while.

God, what's wrong with me!

I'm now perusing slimming pills online.  Any opinions on what to buy?  What's worked for you, etc.?

First run of the season

Yesterday I weighed myself and I was 9st. 6lbs.  This mornign I'm 9 st. 5.2 lbs.  Small differences eh, but I suppose they all count.

Yesterday I went for my first run in absolutely forever, as well.  I've signed up to do a 10K in two weeks time so I really need to pull my finger out and get back into it.  I ran a half marathon last year, so I've got muscle memory I just need to get back up to that point - quickly.

My housemates took the piss out of me last night because of all the deserts I eat.  I was like, Jesus Christ!  I've just been for a run, had a dinner for less than 200 cal (it was lettuce, sweetcorn and a curry I made just out of veg) and this 'DESERT' is a 10 cal jelly pot.

10 Cals!

Thanks for making me paranoid about my jelly now.

Honestly though, that jelly is a life saver.  It's 10 cal and it's from Hertleys (or something like that) you can buy it in most large supermarkets and it genuinely fills me up.  It also is sweet enough that if you're craving chocolate it hits the spot.

Got Uni this morning, and teaching this afternoon.  Hoping for sub 800 cal day today.

Wish me luck.

For fucks sake

1078 food.  715 net.

Could be better.

I started so well.  Had just a coffee for breakfast.  Then I ate.  Fuck.

Why do I have no self control?

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I could have done way less than that cal wise, if I'd not had those bloody cheese twist crackers.  Four of them are ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY CALORIES.  Let me just let that sink in.

FOUR?!?

Fucking Hell.

Tomorrow I've GOT to do better.

Sub 800 in food alone.  That's the goal.

9st 6lbs.  I am FREAKING the fuck out.  That's heavier than the number I had in my head.

I now want to curl up in a ball and not see anyone for the rest of the day.

But instead I've got to teach, and I'm going to see what my new target number is.  1000 cal is obviously too much.  Way way too fucking much.

800?  That's do able.  I'm wary about decreasing it too far, because when I do that I binge and then I purge and I KNOW that's not healthy or sustainable.

So I need to find my point where I'm losing weight the fastest but don't have such large blood sugar dips that I binge - because that's what I do.

9 st 6lb.

How digusting!

Late night- Early morning

Just a quick post because it's late and I need to be up early to teach tomorrow.

But, net: 664. Gross: 1027.  And it is gross.  That's a massive amount for my first day back at uni.  My big regret is having a caffe latte with my father this morning at the train station.  That was 187 cal I could easily have skipped.

I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow, and please God let me have lost some weight.  If not I'll have to kick the restricting up more.  I started my period this afternoon though, so that might affect my numbers too - which is bloody annoying!

Although when I got back to uni today I tried on a coat I bought which was just a tad too tight for wearing as it pulled at the buttons - it now fits fine buttoned up.  Which is a small victory I guess.

Just please, some sort of lb lost would be lovely.

Last day at home

667 calories (net) today.  But that was with spending an hour in the gym.  Without that it would have been more like 1100 (eww).

I'm not sure if I should stop working out net, and just see exercise as a bonus not a saviour.  It's so much easier now as tomorrow I go back to university and my parents won't be keeping an eye on my food.  I'm not happy with how much I've eaten this week, but at the same time I've kept it under 1200 the entire time I've been here, and I've tried to exercise when I could - so it could have been worse.

Beginning to day dream about my plans for after graduation, today.  Obviously I'm going to buy a gym membership for which ever city I get placed in.  But I'm also wondering if I can do a French class at the same time as work, and possibly some sort of sports club/ running club.  Just something to keep me motivated with my exercise and to ensure I'm being pushed.

Will also mean I'll feel less guilty if I end up eating more than I'd targeted.

Although tbf, being entirely off bread/ cake etc has really helped.  I feel 'safe' with lots of fruit, veggies and a small amount of meat - which is basically what my diet has consisted of here.

I think when I'm back in uni I'm going to go shopping for plenty of fruit and veg so that I'm eating 3x a day, but eating really low cal, healthy meals.

Thinspiration

These are mainly taken from tumblr, so aren't mine.  I have kind of a 'thing' for stomachs and legs.  

Slipping?

I can feel today slipping away.  It's just before lunch and I've ALREADY eaten 254 calories.  

I've also done no revision yet, I just can't get motivated.

To be perfectly honest I'm just knackered.  I'm sleeping on the sofa whilst I'm visiting my parents, which means I get woken up at 7 am every morning by my brother getting ready for school.  I'm not used to coping on seven hours sleep anymore.  I need way more, especially on my meds as they tire you out even more.

I'm also worrying a little bit.  I got a text off one of my students' mum this morning (I work as a personal tutor as well as uni) and she got a D in her Maths Feb exam.  Admittedly she had an E at Christmas, so she's improved, but her parents aren't happy.  They are really pushing for her to get a C in June so she can go to college.  But I can't think of any changes I can do to my lessons to make sure she does.

We've gone through most of the course now, and she grasps all the main concepts.  The only thing I can do is to go through as many past papers in class as we can fit in, so she can see the questions in different settings and so it refreshes all the lessons we've done.  But I'm not sure this is going to work.  Firstly, she's already done most of the papers before - so it could end up being just a memory test and not a math test.  And secondly, I'm afraid that I give too much help going through past papers so her marks become inflated.

Argh.  I need to have a think about it more.

Also need to stop worrying about my own degree so much.  Finals are in three weeks and I currently have five students I'm tutoring part time.  I really really want a first in my degree, but I don't think I'm going to get it with the amount of time I've already committed to other things.

I just need to work harder, eat less, worry less.  Easy, right?

At least I've got the gym tonight to take my mind off things.  I've arranged to go with my mum and brother after they get home from work and school respectively.  All I've got to do now is find my gym kit and stop obsessing over eating.

I have these shorts, and one day they will look like this on.

1050 calories today.  No run.  What a failure.

Tomorrow I've arranged to go to the gym with my mum after she's finished work.  So at the very least I can burn off some of this gunk.  

Other than that, not really much to report.  My parents are beginning to irritate slightly.  My dad is fine, but my mum is winding me up - which is strange as normally it's the other way around.  Maybe it's because she's getting older, but a lot of what she says just makes no sense.  Or it's like she wasn't listening to the conversation but felt she should contribute.

Odd.

I had a tiny muffin today.  God my stomach is cramping up so badly. I'm sure I've got an intolerance to wheat or gluten or something.  But bread, cake, muffins etc make my stomach ache so badly!

Exam Stress

My finals are in just over three weeks.  THREE WEEKS.  Then the past four years worth of my degree is going to be examined.  I am shitting myself.  I've spent all of today (from 10 am to 8 pm) going over my Inorganic Chemistry notes.  I'm so close to getting a first.  If I really work super super duper hard, harder than I've ever worked before I might just get it.  But if I don't, I won't.

So me, being something of a perfectionist, am determined that I can fit in revising for my exams, attending the last of my lectures, working part time and training for my 10K.

I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew.  But there is genuinely nothing on that list that I can drop.

So all in all, today has been a bit of a shitter.  I've eaten 1,200 K and done absolutely nothing except for revise.  Haven't even left the house.  

Breakfast: Banana, Kiwi, cinamon,  1 egg
Lunch: 1 chicken thigh, sweetcorn, lettuce, 1 tbspn rice
Dinner: 2 chicken thighs, 1 egg, 1 boiled potato, sweetcorn, carrots.

I cannot wait until I'm back at uni and no longer visiting my parents.  It's so difficult when they insist that we all eat lunch/dinner together and eat the same thing.  I also live on the middle of a massive fucking hill, which is somewhat off putting to go running on.

I must fit in a run at some point tomorrow.  I need to burn off today's calories!   That will be my goal for tomorrow - one run and under 800 cal.

Gym-ing it.

Well today was really good I feel.  I calculate my net calories to be 577.  If I can keep them this low whilst I'm visiting my parents I'll be super pleased.

I went to the gym today with my little brother for an hour and a half (yowch!) and ended up being a sweaty mess at the end of it.  But it was worth it.  So worth it.  Then wandered around tesco with him for a little bit and did some uni revision.  My finals are now in three weeks (eek) and I'm more than mildly panicking about them.

On the bright side though, I heard back from the graduate job I applied for, which I'm not going to name, on the off chance it would appear on google - that would be awkward!  So all in all a good day.

B: Banana, Apple, Kiwi, cinnamon (229)
E: Hour and a half gym - mainly cardio (-727)
L: Lettuce, 5 cherry tomatoes, 1 tbspn sweetcorn, salad cream, 1 chicken thigh (447)
D: half a boiled egg, 1 chicken thigh, 5 cherry tomatos, 1 tbspn rice
S: Jelly, Capri Sun juice drink, 1 boiled potato (small) (248).

Ah bummer.  Looking back I should really have skipped the potato snack, the rice with dinner and the banana for breakfast.

First Day

Well my dear friend Ana is back with a vengeance   I went clothes shopping today and burst into tears and how fat I am.  I know I'm a size eight, and logically I shouldn't feel fat.  But all I can see when I look in the mirror is fat, lumpy thighs; a stomach that folds and makes me look obese; chubby arms that poke out of my shirts like unappealing chicken drumsticks; and a complete lack of cheek bone or collar bone.

So I'm back to restricting again.  To be perfectly honest, I've been following a destructive cycle of restriction, binging, purging, self-hatred, a brief respite where I exercise massively, and then it's all repeated.  I'd been keeping track of this on another blog, but it was linked too closely with my name.  So this is my new blog for the sake of anonymity.

I shall try to post what I eat daily.  I'm trying my best not to count calories as it makes me obsessive faster and then I go through the cycle quicker.  I desperately need to lose all this weight though before my summer ball.  I can think of nothing worse than being squeezed into my dress like a sausage.

Today I ate:
B: coffee + milk
L: costa caramel latte
E: 2hrs walking with my mum
D: sweetcorn, mixed veg, one yorkshire pudding, two slices of lamb.

I'm back home with my parents tomorrow, so I've arranged to go to the gym in the morning with my brother tomorrow, and then swimming in the afternoon.  That should kick start something hopefully. Also, exercising with another person means I'll push myself far harder.